Poor Byakuya
by ChildInMe
Summary: Byakuya hates Renji, Renji hates him, Rukia and Ichigo are going to get married, and he realizes he'll be related to Isshin!
1. Chapter 1

**Poor Byakuya**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Bleach**

**Summary: Byakuya realizes he'll be related to Isshin…**

Byakuya Kuchiki found many things annoying. A few of those things were the people who asked why he was wearing hair curlers, Renji, hopscotch, and Renji playing hopscotch. Oh, and Ichigo Kurosaki.

It wasn't as if Byakuya hated Ichigo himself. Quite the contrary, he admired the courage and fierce loyalty the scowling orange haired boy displayed. It was just, well, him and Rukia. Rukia and Ichigo. As a couple.

Byakuya felt a twinge every time he saw his sister and Ichigo together, even if it was a casual meeting. They obviously felt a mutual attraction to each other (no matter how much they denied it), and premarital sex was bad. He didn't need any nieces and nephews.

He was not overprotective, dammit!

The first time Rukia vanished without saying anything was when he started to get suspicious. During the fifth time, he did NOT stalk her. He just followed her for her own safety. And he had every damn right to, seeing as he stopped them from putting their tongues in each other's throats.

Ichigo had been embarrassed. Rukia had been pissed. Byakuya gave them a lecture about how no woman should be alone with a man unless she was related to him, chaperoned, or married.

He did regret that so much.

About a week later, a very frightened Renji gave a message to him. Rukia and Ichigo were going to marry. Renji ran away after being discharged from the hospital, but returned a month later to resume his shinigami duties.

After getting used to the idea, Byakuya decided to accept it. Facts were facts. Ichigo and Rukia were going to be a married couple. And he didn't mind a bunch of cute nieces and nephews.

But then he decided to pay a little visit to Ichigo's family.

Now, Byakuya didn't know much about the Kurosaki family. All he knew was that Ichigo had two sisters and a father, his mother being killed by a hollow. He didn't expect to see _him_. Isshin.

Byakuya had innocently walked up to the door and stood there, not sure what to do. For one thing, he was a shinigami. Which meant nobody could see him. So he stood there for the best part of an hour, wondering what to do, when suddenly, the door flew open. And there he was.

"Well, is that little Byakuya Kuchiki I see? Now, this is unexpected!" Isshin said in surprise. "I'm not going back to the Soul Society, if that's what you want. I quit being a shinigami years ago!"

Byakuya's eye twitched. Isshin. Isshin was one of the top shinigami, very talented and strong. He also had a happy go lucky attitude and an "unpleasant" personality. He had left the shinigami years ago, to marry a mortal woman. It had caused quite an outrage at the Soul Society, but things were all right now.

Isshin also pinched his cheeks numerous times, when he was about six, calling him a "cute, little brat." He was _not_ a brat, no matter how many unpleasantness (tantrums, really) he caused.

"Hello. Isshin. What are you doing here?" Byakuya said calmly, being very careful not to reveal any emotion on his face.

"What are _you_ doing here? I live here." Isshin replied.

"You live here? I was under the impression that my little sister's future husband's family lived here." Byakuya said, wondering what the hell he had done to deserve this. Stupid karma! When he got back, he would apologize to Renji.

"Hmm, do you mean Ichigo? He's going to marry that little shinigami, Rukia, if that's what you mean. She's your sister?"

Byakuya felt his knees grow unsteadier, and it took a lot of effort to look dignified. He was a Kuchiki, dammit! It was all karma's fault.

"Brother! What are you doing here?" a cheery voice asked.

Byakuya turned to see the very person he wished he couldn't see. Rukia. Hand in hand with a frowning, orange haired psychopath.

Hmm, if Isshin was Ichigo's father, that would explain the spiritual energy he had. Also, that would make Ichigo a true shinigami. Well, at least that was better than a stupid human.

Still! Isshin!

"Rukia." Byakuya said, proud that his voice sounded the same. "I forbid this match."

Rukia pouted. "You're such a grouch! You sent Renji to say that you approved just a week ago! (He had a horrible cast, too. I wonder where he got it.)"

"That was before…this." Byakuya waved a hand to Isshin, who looked offended. "I do not want to be related to…Isshin."

"HEY!" Isshin whined. "I'll be a great grandfather! I mean, I'll be an awesome grandpa!"

"Wait a minute." Ichigo frowned even more. "How do you two know each other? Dad can see shinigamis? Explain, someone."

Isshin made little slashing motions across his throat as Byakuya told the story. "Isshin was an extremely powerful shinigami who left his division shortly after falling in love with a human. We haven't seen him since. Did he keep this knowledge from you?"

Ichigo glared at his father. "Yes! He did! YOU HAVE A LOT OF EXPLAINNG TO DO, DAD!" The orange haired young man started approaching his father.

"You'll be in laws, not related by blood!" Rukia pointed out, still glaring at Byakuya. "Besides, I'm adopted!"

"That is…beside the point."

"Why don't we all go in for some cookies?" Isshin asked.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A month after the wedding, Renji finally took off his cast, Ichigo finally got the whole story from his dad, Byakuya calmed down, and Rukia announced that she became pregnant.

And then poor Byakuya started worrying about the baby…


	2. Chapter 2

**2. How Byakuya reacts if Rukia is pregnant**

**(Okay, I originally planned for this to be a oneshot, but now I'm expanding it. If you like it, review. If you hate it, you can still review.)**

Byakuya Kuchiki would never ever ever ever (you get the point) forget that day.

He was innocently doing some paperwork in his office. (Actually, he was making Renji the slave do the paperwork in the next room while he planned out some ping pong strategies. But that is beside the point.) Suddenly, his troublesome, adopted sister burst in. He looked up in annoyance. Everyone knew that he didn't like people just coming in unless they had an appointment or he was expecting the,. 

"Hi." Rukia said in a matter of fact voice. "I'm pregnant."

His eyes rolled a little, his legs grew unsteady, and then he fell.

"Whoa. Byakuya can faint?" Rukia asked herself.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"Whoa. Chill, Byakuya." Those were Ichigo's first words.

"NO, I WILL NOT CHILL!"

"Your hair curlers are messed up, you know."

"THEY'RE NOT HAIR CURLERS!" Byakuya yelled defensively.

"But seriously, what did you expect? Rukia not to get pregnant?" Ichigo snorted. "You even mentioned 'cute nieces and nephews.' Sometimes, you need to relax and enjoy life. Now what color should I pick out?"

"You're adolescents! I didn't expect you both to sleep with each other so soon!" (Actually Rukia is over a hundred years old and Ichigo is twenty four).

"Just shut up and tell me which color."

Both Byakuya and Ichigo were out shopping for the baby. In the Soul Society, of course. Byakuya had already picked up most of the merchandise. (Teddy bears, diapers, a crib, an alphabet book, etc.)

"I don't know." Byakuya inspected the little jacket. Fine quality cloth. "Is it a boy or girl?"

"Yes." Ichigo replied to Byakuya's question, then me mumbled to himself. "Why can't Rukia do the shopping? Instead, she makes me do it."

"So is it a boy or girl?"

"I said yes." Ichigo's scowled more heavily.

"Which one?"

"Didn't Rukia tell you? They're twins, a boy and a girl."

Byakuya felt his eyes roll again, and his knees grew unsteady yet again. The world turned black.

"Whoa, Byakuya can faint?"

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Rukia's stomach was round and bloated, as with any other pregnant woman. She also had the strangest craving for strawberries. She would gobble them up, calling them, "little Ichigos." It was quite disturbing, but she was pregnant, so cut her some slack.

Rukia also had a short temper. The third time Byakuya visited her during the nine months of pregnancy, he made her cry by mentioning how round she had become. ("WAAAHHH! I'M FAT!" "No, you're not! Don't cry, Rukia! I see that you're very skinny! Please stop crying!") The fifth time, she had lost her temper with him and hit him several times with a nearby broom for giving her the wrong medication. ("ARE YOU TRYING TO POISON ME, DAMMIT!" "Ow! Ow! Stop! OUCH! My hair curlers!")

That was part of the reason he was so upset when Urahara tricked him into coming here. That damn man wearing the ugly hat would be sorry when Byakuya got his hand on him.

When he left.

Which wasn't soon.

"GET ME MORE LITTLE ICHIGOS!" Rukia shouted, and threw a nearby book ("Unicorns Galore" bought by Byakuya for the girl baby) at his general direction for good measure.

Byakuya sadly picked up "Unicorns Galore" and went inside the kitchen. He opened the fridge. Strawberries. Lots of strawberries. Nothing but strawberries. What the hell did Ichigo eat? (He ate in restaurants or takeout, Byakuya. It's not like he can cook as good as you.)

This was going to be a long day.

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

"I'M AN UNCLE!" Byakuya put a party hat on Renji, who cringed as the string snapped on his chin.

"Yeah that's great." Soi Fon said, a little uncomfortable.

All the shinigami had been forced to go to the party when the twins had been born. Byakuya was the proud uncle of Lilian Kurosaki, a healthy six pounds, and Lim Kurosaki, five pounds. (That's pretty good for twins.)

Renji cried in fear as Byakuya got the "pin the tail on the donkey" board out. (Byakuya accidentally stabbed numerous people that day.)


End file.
